NOTE: This is an unedited transcript and, therefore, contains imperfections and is not for publication or quotation in whole or in part by anyone without the express written consent of Pastor Conley. The audio tape of this message delivered October 19, 1997, is available and may be purchased from the Church.

MAKING CHRIST LORD OF YOUR HOME

Colossians 3:18-21

Dr. J. Drew Conley, Pastor

Tri-City Baptist Church, Columbia, South Carolina

The prevailing modern attitudes about family life are hopelessly self-contradictory. It seems popular to consider that the nuclear family (the family that is still in tact) is obsolete and that the Biblical pattern of it is too restrictive to make possible personal fulfillment. At the same time, our culture is constantly bemoaning the terrible fallout of broken homes. If there is any one mark of Biblical Christianity that could prove to be the acid test of whether it is for real, it is the stability and unity of the family that practices what the Bible teaches about what the family should be. In a very few verses Paul hits upon the highlights of what God expects of those who would make Christ the Lord of their home. In verse 18 of Chapter 3, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."

I would like us to note several introductory observations regarding these four verses. The first thing is very obvious: how brief they are. For all the difficulties involved in family life, for all the challenges of it, for all the complexities of it, Paul has devoted only four verses to specifically address what happens in the home—they are concise; they are not comprehensive. When I was teaching English, when I was a graduate assistant, one of the things we were constantly trying to get people to do was to be concise. (Now you might wonder about that, given the length of sermons at times.) We would try to get people to be "precise"— to say exactly what they meant, and also to be "concise"—to say it in as brief a manner as possible ("brevity is the soul of wit")—make it more forceful. Whenever you are going to be concise, you want to boil things down to the key message, you want to stress what is most important, you are going to focus on what is most likely to be a problem and on what would be most important to achieving success in the particular arena you are addressing. Paul focuses on what one man has called the most sensitive areas in our relationships: the areas in which we are most susceptible to error.

The first thing I note about these verses is their simplicity: they focus on key elements that make possible family life as God designed it to be.

The second thing I notice is the balance that these verses give. They give mutual responsibilities: there is none in the family that is without instruction, and none without accountability. Sometimes we have the idea if you are in leadership you are a law unto yourself, and that is absolutely not so. We are all accountable, we all have instruction from the Lord—there is great balance, and the family functions best when everybody is doing his part to fulfill God's will.

Third, I would note this section is driven by devotion to the Lord. You will note in verse 18 the words "as is fit in the Lord" and in verse 20 "for this is well pleasing unto the Lord." This section is placed right after Paul has talked about letting Christ fill your life, letting His Word dwell in you richly, making sure whatever you do in word or in deed is in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him, and then he brings it down to one of the most practical of areas, perhaps the most difficult area, right in the home—the day-in, day-out mundane living—driven by this fullness of Christ, driven by devotion to the Lord. That is why I have entitled the message this morning, "Making Christ Lord of Your Home." It is He that is our chief motivation for doing what is instructed here; it is He that is our chief resource for accomplishing what is here; and without Him we have neither the motivation nor the power to do what God calls us to do.

Look first with me at the Lord's will for wives. Remember this is very concise, it is not comprehensive, it is hitting the area that is perhaps most difficult and yet key to a successful family life: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." Now it is common even among some parts of the Christian community to challenge the validity of this verse and others like it. They claim these passages on the wife's submission to her husband reflect that Paul was once a rabbi, and those rabbis are noted for their chauvinism. They would pray daily "I thank God that I am neither a gentile nor a woman." So they say this reflects merely his rabbinic background of chauvinism. Others teach that what Paul was laying out here was applicable only to his own culture, that it reflected his culture, that it is in fact culture-bound, and that it has no relevance to our culture which is more enlightened. Interestingly enough when they reach the next verse, "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them," they find no culture-bound admonition there. The knife cuts both ways. If I am going to consider one verse culture-bound, then we must consider the whole passage culture-bound. The New Testament teachings on family relationships cut counter Paul's culture every bit as much as they do ours, because our culture and Paul's culture are the world's culture, and the man who loves the world does not have the love of the Father in him, and the man who has the love of the Father in him will not love the world.

In Paul's day divorce was rampant, women were hardly more than chattel property, fathers had the power of death over their wives and children, and there was in fact even a feminist movement of the day—and we can understand why there was one given the state of the home in Paul's culture. The Word of God is the perfect standard, and every culture that deviates from it will find it does so to its peril. In fact, every culture deviates from it in some ways to a smaller or greater degree. Those who are constantly trimming the standard of God's Word to fit the times will find they have no standard at all, for every time sets up its own manmade standards that are contrary to the Word of God.

What does it mean then for a wife to submit herself unto her own husband? The word "submit" is a military term, and it quite literally means to put yourself under someone—not by force, but willingly. Just as submission to leadership is critical to a successful battle plan, so submission to leadership is crucial to a successful family. To the natural mind, submission naturally implies inferiority and authority naturally implies superiority. It is those that are "better than" that rule and those that are "worse than" who do not. In the scriptures that is not the case.

In the scriptures, our subordinating ourselves to any authority has to do with God's divinely created order. Eve, the very first wife, was created to be a helper suitable to Adam. Her role, her reason for existence, was to advance the welfare of her husband, to be supportive of him, to work with him as a team member, to help him do what God had called him to do—that was her role, that was what she was created for, that was her function. In 1 Timothy 2, 1 Corinthians chapters 11 and 14, and also Titus 2:5, Paul specifically states that the foundation of his teaching about the relationship between husband and wife is not to be found in his culture, but is to be found in the order of creation prior to man's fall, during man's fall, and after man's fall. Paul is looking at how God has set things up to function—that is his stated basis for what he teaches, and it is important for us to realize this as we try to keep our lives in accordance with the teaching of God's Word when it comes to the roles of men and women.

To keep the natural attitude of feeling that if I submit to someone I am necessary inferior, or if I have leadership I am necessarily superior, is to set oneself up for resentment of leadership. It is not true that if I submit to someone else I am incapable of independent action. Just by virtue of being adult we are capable of independent action. This is not a signing over of your identity; it is not becoming a doormat; it is merely fulfilling the purpose for which each of us is made. If we adopt the natural attitude, we also have consigned ourselves to a life full of chaffing at what God has called us to do, at nagging the one with whom we are to find our fulfillment, and at blocking the desires or the direction of the one who has been given to give leadership in the home—it ruins the harmonious functioning of the family. For wives to submit themselves to their husbands as is fit in the Lord has nothing to do with inferiority or value or ability, but a difference of roles.

God created male and female in the image of God—that means both male and female have a spiritual nature—they are made to commune with God. It is not that the man is spiritually more adept than the woman, as often women are more sensitive to spiritual things than men are. In Galations 3:28 we are told, "[in Christ] there is neither male nor female." The benefits of salvation, the spiritual blessings that God has designed for His people are not relegated merely to males or to females or to children, but to all who are in Christ. When Peter talks about the relationships of husbands and wives, and particularly those husbands who are not obeying the Word and wives who are having to put up with that, he talks about believers being joint-heirs with God. The wife is enjoying the benefits of salvation every bit as much as the husband. She is to submit to her ownhusband.

Think of how gracious God is. Of all the authorities we have in our lives, who better to yield to than the person you are closest to in the bond of love. Most of our authorities care very little what happens to us. As they pass legislation in Washington, or even downtown Columbia, most of them don't know my name let alone care about what happens to me. They do what they feel is best for everybody in general, but they don't particularly care about my specific case. How different is the home life if it is patterned after the Biblical way: a husband has loving concern for his wife is the ideal one to whom to submit. Alexander Mclaren notes, "In a true marriage, as in the loving obedience of an believing soul to Christ, the wife submits not because she has found a master, but because her heart has found its rest." It should be something that husbands make it easy for wives to do, and we will explore how he makes it easy in a moment.

Note that this submission is to "what is fit in the Lord." It is to what is appropriate, it is what fits the way God has done things. It is first of all a respect for the order that God has created, and secondly it is a recognition that Christ the Lord in His earthly ministry was humble and meek and respectful of authority. Every time Christ gave Himself in subjection to His own parents, every time He let the authorities do what they would do—in each instance, He was the Lord of creation, the absolute perfect one, submitting Himself to those who were not perfect. As Christ did, the wife is to submit to her own husband, no matter how imperfect he may be. It is not an absolute command. Obviously, it is to what is fitting in the Lord, so if a husband were to command her to do something that is wrong and evil then she would not do it—that goes without saying, it is a principle of every one of our relationships. In general, the wife will always be better off to follow the direction of her husband, particularly when the balancing equation is there: husbands if you are loving your wives and not being bitter against them.

Let us move now to the Lord's will for the husbands. It is clear from this verse, and the verses that expand upon it, that Christian leadership is not autocratic domination, but servanthood. It is not that the man is free to do as he pleases because he sits atop the family totempole. In fact, just the opposite is so. Of everyone in the family, the husband, the father, should be most in tune to the needs of each member: he is to manage well his own household. He is to find and understand their needs and their abilities, and he should be the one most willing to give up his own wishes if he would love them as Christ loved the church.

"Husbands, love your wives." That is not referring merely to passion or selfish affection—this kind of love is contrary to all that is self-centered. A man who is loving his wife will not have tunnel vision. He will not be so keyed in to what his job is, what his role is, that he is oblivious to the needs of other people. If he loves his wife, he will counteract that tendency to live unaware of her needs and unresponsive to her responses. He loves his wife (Ephesians 5:25) "even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it." Let us think for a moment of Christ's love for the church because that is what the scripture uses to define what is love. Husbands, just as the most sensitive area, the most difficult area for your wife, is to yield to your leadership because she knows how imperfect you are (it is difficult for her to put herself under that), so it is difficult for the husband to love in a proper way so his wife is able to follow his leadership and not have to constantly deal with the chaffing of heart.

First, Christ's love for us was unilateral—it was onesided: Christ loved us before we ever loved Him; Christ loved us while we were unlovely; Christ loved us while we were His enemies; Christ loved us while we were running from Him. So we learn that a husband must love his wife whether or not she loves him, and whether or not she possesses qualities that inspire love. This is a kind of love that is more than having affection for someone, although we are commanded to have that as well. This is a love that engages the will that says, "I will sacrifice, I will meet the needs of this person that I love." It is a choice that you make, and it is a choice you make over and over and over again throughout all your contact with your wife. It enters into every decision that you make, because every decision you make has a bearing on your wife. We have talked about this is our own home that the decisions I make about my time and about my money and about my work have far more effect on my wife than the decisions that she makes about her responsibilities. My actions, my attitudes, my decisions affect everybody in my family, and my wife has to live with my mistakes as well as the things I do right.

It is critical that I have a love for my wife and not have it conditional in any way, but rather that I am loving her whether or not I sense I am getting something back from her. A lot of husbands will give the excuse "My wife doesn't respond to me the way I want her to respond," or "She's gained weight so I don't find her as attractive as I did when we were first married," or "My wife is hard to live with so I don't know if I can love her the way I'm commanded." That is your job, and your home will never function the way it is supposed to function, your marriage will never be what it is supposed to be, unless you love your wife as Christ loved the church—unilaterally. Your love is not conditional on how good a cook she is. Your love is not conditional on how attractive she is—either on the outside or on the inside. Your love is not conditional on how she responds to you. Your love is absolute—it is to be before the Lord. You love her as Christ loved the church.

Second, Christ's love was self-giving. This again runs counter to the natural male way. In the workplace we fight for what's ours; we are more aggressive; we are protecting our turf; we are trying to gain more; our life is a type of conquest; it is a life of being tough; it is a life of not giving up any ground. When we come home, it is really just the opposite—it is to be self-giving love, even as Christ gave Himself to the church. Husbands if you will start thinking of your relationship to your wife as a "giving" role, rather than a "getting" role, you will do far better at being a husband and your home will blossom in the way that God wants it to blossom.

Thirdly, in regard to Christ's love (related to His self-giving), is that Christ's love for us has no limit. When Jesus Christ gave Himself, it wasn't just giving Himself for a moment in time, He gave Himself on the cross. He died for the church. What should be the limit of the husband's love for his wife? Death itself. And that means you don't begrudge giving up a golf game or a fishing trip, or a hunting trip. That means you don't begrudge turning off the TV (that is probably a good thing anyway for you) to spend time with your wife. That means you don't begrudge not setting up so many meetings away from home so you can spend some time with your wife. You don't begrudge going out with the boys anymore so you can spend some time just with your wife. Christ's love for us had no limit. You do not have this catalog, or measurement of just how much you will give before you have "had it up to here," and you are not going to sacrifice anymore. That is not loving as Christ loved. Men, if you will love your wives this way, you will find she has far less problem submitting to you. It is interesting that each wants the other to obey the Lord, and yet the only one who can do anything about obedience to the Lord is you.

Love your wives, and because you are to be the leader, you set the tone for the home. Generally when a home is in turmoil, while certainly everybody brings problems as well as assets to the home, you can trace the problem ultimately to the man, because he is the one who is to lead, and he is the one who sets the example of sacrificial love. I like the way one man expressed this kind of love, "It is patient and generous, utterly self-forgiving and self-sacrificing, demanding nothing, grudging nothing, giving all, not shrinking from the extreme of suffering and pain and death itself, that he may bless and help—such was the Lord's love for His bride, and such is to be a Christian husband's love to his wife."

If you love your wife, you will then not be bitter against her. This could be translated "stop being bitter." Don't let bitterness be a part of your life at all. The term "bitter" has the idea of being pointed and sharp and cutting. In Ephesians 4 Paul associates it with wrath and anger and contrasts with kindness and tenderheartedness. So a husband who is not bitter against his wife is not to be harsh or resentful, is not to irritate or exasperate her. Everything that is contrary to the spirit of love is to be removed from the way he treats his wife. You see, love is the spirit of selflessness, bitterness of selfishness. He should, in the words of 1 Corinthians 7 (verse 33), seek "how he may please his wife" just as she seeks how she may please her husband. In Ephesians 5 (verse 29) it says he is nourish and cherish her as his own body. The way some men talk to their wives, if another man were to talk to them that way, the other man would not walk out of the room—he would be lying flat on his back. Just because you are a leader does not mean you can "beat up" on those who are beneath you—that is an evil leader, an evil ruler, an oppressor, not the kind of Godly leadership of a husband to his wife, who is according to 1 Peter 3:7 to make a home with his wife "according to knowledge"—that is, with reason an sensitivity and insight, understanding her nature and her needs.

By the way (you know this by now) her needs and her nature are different from yours. One of the problems that marriages so often have is that folks have gotten so far as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," but the fact is your wife doesn't want you to treat her like another man; and, neither, wives, does your husband want you to treat him like another woman. The needs are different. It dawns on us about six months into the marriage that our needs are different, and then ensues the great battle as to whose needs are valid. The fact is the differences are designed by God so you will complete one another. You should appreciate the differences, and you should make the most of the differences so your home is complete. If you have just a carbon copy of yourself why didn't you just stay single? It would have been much simpler, and cheaper too. You have a person who appreciates you (at least initially) and you appreciated that person (initially) for the differences. So make the most of the differences. They are God designed and that means, according to scripture, it is the husband's job to make the most of the differences.

It is the husband's job to make a home with his wife according to understanding. He is to understand. She is at a disadvantage because she is not the leader of the home. She cannot set the policies, she can't set the direction, she is supposed to yield to you, and if you are not perceptive, if you are not aware, if you are not understanding, if you are not spending enough time to make a home with your wife, how is she going to have the kind of marriage God designed her to have? This is the husband's job, and it arises out of his love for his wife, to make a home, a relationship characterized by affection. A wife needs conversation, a sharing of your heart and not just what happened at work; she needs honesty and openness; she needs security; she needs commitment to her; she needs to know she is a priority in your life. For we are to "give honor to the wife, as unto a weaker vessel." We consider her of high value; we are to give her respect, and it is to be a continual thing. In Proverbs 31 the children arise up and call the woman of capacity (the virtuous woman) blessed, and her husband also, he praises her. The Lord's will for husbands "Love your wives and be not bitter against them."

The Lord's will for children: "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord." What does it mean to "obey"? Quite literally this means "to listen under, as one who is under authority." In other words, it is out of line for any child dependent on his parents to elevate himself to a position of analyzing what his parents tell him to do, of arguing with his parents, of judging whether or not they did the right thing. It is the obligation of the child to respond to his parent's voice, to listen under. It is compliance with their words.

Now parents are instructed to "use the rod." Proverbs 13:24: "He that sparest the rod hatest his son: but he that lovest him chasteneth him betimes [early in life]." Proverbs 22:15 "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child (that is a moral foolishness); but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." That is significant, because according to 23:13 of Proverbs, we are to "withhold not correction [child discipline]...; for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." In other words, spanking is necessary to my child's spiritual wellbeing. It is not just whether or not he obeys me, it is his very soul that is at stake. Parents are instructed to use the rod, but isn't it interesting that the book that teaches parents to use the rod emphasizes far more that children respond to their parent's words. Parents are commanded to discipline with the rod, but children are told to respond to the word. Every parent, saved and unsaved for that matter, would like his children to respond to his voice the first time, not because it has been raised, or is coaxing, or angry. It is interesting, children, that there is no qualification here as to what kind of parents you have. It does not say "obey your parents if you think your parents are Godly parents," it doesn't say "obey your parents if they are consistent," it doesn't say "obey your parents only if you like them." It says "obey your parents in all things."

The only scriptural limit, obviously, is when a child must disobey parents in order to obey God's Word, and Christ made it clear that some will have to choose salvation through Christ despite the antagonism of their parents. Their whole manner of life will reflect their loyalty to God's Word. This is true of all relationships we have, and it is very rare (particularly of those who are gathered here) that a parent is going to say "go do something contrary to God's Word. I want you to reject Jesus Christ as your Saviour."

Proverbs 3:1,2 tell us about disobedience, where the father says, "My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee." Let your heart obey. It is not just a matter of outward conformity to your parents' spoken desires, it is letting your heart have that disposition of obedience, of being willing to yield—that is what the Lord desires, and that is where the promise is for your life. It is that kind of heart that the Lord blesses. One of the marks of the ungodly is "disobedience to parents." In the last days when perilous times come (due to the form of godliness that denies the power) children will be disobedient to parents. In Romans 1 where God describes giving people over to a reprobate mind who did not like to retain God in their knowledge and did things that were not proper, it includes in that list of horrible sins "disobedience to parents." Our whole culture has this whole matter set up backwards. If you watch much television (hopefully you don't, but if you do) the whole industry betrays parents as dull and incompetent and children as witty and smart aleck—that is a world that does not exist. The only reason it is on television is they have artistic license to portray what they want to portray—it is a fantasy world. You try responding to any authority in your life this way once you are on your own, and you are on a short road to trouble. Try to treat anyone the way people treat each other on television, and you will just have a terrible life—it just does not end in 30 minutes with commercials in between. Wherever there is anything important going on, somebody gives orders and somebody obeys, and in the home you learn to function that way. It is "in all things" that children are to obey their parents. They are not to arrogate to themselves the right to obey.

What "all things" should a Christian parent be instructing his child in. In Proverbs, a book devoted to skillful living (living according to wisdom), a father speaking to his son lays out three basic themes, and much of the instruction in Proverbs falls along these three lines. (A good bit of this material I heard in a message from Dr. Mark Minnick. In case any of you have heard it before, I want to give credit where credit is due). In chapter 1:7 we learn the beginning of knowledge is the "fear of the LORD." (Later it says it is the beginning of wisdom as well.) The first area the parent instructs his children in regards the "fear (or the worship) of the LORD"—putting God in the right place in your life—that's the first area of instruction.

In verse 10 he introduces the second, and that is your choice of companions, of friends: "if sinners entice thee, consent thou not." Your parents will have commands about who you associate with, and a lot of time you may not understand why they disapprove, but it is their right and their duty to go through, sift through, those you have contact with and give you instruction as to who are friends with whom you should hang around. There are a whole number of verses in Proverbs dedicated to what friends make good friends.

In verse 20, the third area is the area of wisdom itself—learning how to live life in a skillful way. In Proverbs 2, the father says to the son, "My son, if thou will receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee; So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding; Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as hid treasures; Then thou shalt understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God." Notice this passage is saying "if you receive my words you are receiving wisdom"—you are going to learn to live life the way it ought to be lived. If you listen to your parents' instruction, children, you will be a leg up on everyone else who is not listening on how to live life and how to succeed. Secondly, when you are interested from your heart in gaining true wisdom, then you will understand the fear of the Lord. Do you realize if you refuse to obey your parents, you will not learn proper fear of the Lord? In verse 10 and following, "When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thine soul; Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee: To deliver thee from the way of the evil man,..." then later on (verse16), "To deliver thee from the strange woman...." Wisdom, the fear of the Lord, my relationships—all these hinge on my listening with my heart and obeying my the voice of my parents in all things. This is well pleasing unto the Lord.

A lot of young people struggle as to what God's will is for their life—especially as they get into their teens. The fact is there is very little you can do about God's will for your life tomorrow; you must do God's will for your life today. No matter how long you live you have only today to follow God. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not come—God's will is God's will for you today, and today's will of God for children is to obey your parents—that is really the only thing you have to worry about. Parents have a lot of things they have to be concerned about in obeying the Lord. Children have basically one they are responsible for: listen under their parents, obey their words, follow their instruction. "It is unkind," in the words of Alexander Mclaren, "to lay on young shoulders the weight of too much liberty." They are not ready to make those choices until they have listened long and listened well to their parents. It is the first commandment with promise. By the way, it is the commandment that when violated brings a great curse.

Let me give this encouragement to you. No matter in what position you find yourself, in your particular home, the key to making Christ Lord of your home starts with making Him Lord of your heart. This is really a matter of whether you are willing to yield to the Lord. We find every excuse in the book, and mainly it is the failure of other family members to do their job before the Lord. Wives, you cannot make your husbands love you, ultimately. Men, ultimately you cannot make your wife submit. Children if you are to obey your parents, if you are going to wait for your parents to be perfectly consistent, you are going to wait until doomsday. The reason we can function in the proper way towards one another is if we are yielded to the Lord, if we are doing it for the Lord. I would encourage you, if you are having any kind of difficulty, to quit looking at the other person and look at your own relationship to the Lord. I haven't pastored that long, but I have dealt with enough situations, varied enough and in enough different places, to know that every problem that I have been involved with in the home traces back to a problem between individuals and the Lord. You fix your relationship with the Lord and your relationship to other people becomes what it ought to be. If your relationship with people is not what it ought to be, your relationship with the Lord isn't right either. Let it be between you and God, and you will be amazed at what God can do to make your family a fruitful family, to make your home a home of joy and blessing. Make Christ Lord of your home by making Him Lord of your heart.

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